Little House on the Prairie was one of my favorite shows growing up. Most of the episodes I saw were repeats since I was born in ’75 and didn’t start watching it until the early ’80′s. I still watch the show and it’s like comfort food for me, without the calories.
These are some things I’ve learned over the years since watching the show.
1. If I climb into my husband’s wagon and a loose wire scratches my leg, go see Doc Baker right away. Don’t send my family off on a little trip while I stay home and bake pies. I’ll end up loony from the infection I develop and the high fever I get. That will result in me becoming paranoid, locking the doors in my house, breaking a window when trying to get help (that window looks like it would be a real pain in the ass to fix), and ultimately thinking cutting my leg off is the best option.
2. Never, ever trust Nellie Oleson because she will play nice and invite me over to her house. Then, I’ll spill my guts out and talk about how I have a major crush on a boy. Being the douchette that Nellie is, she will secretly record this and then play it in front of the whole class, including the boy I have a crush on. Hello? I live in Walnut Grove. It’s not like I can just transfer to a different school to escape the embarrassment.
3. Mary will never grow out of her bitchy and pretentious ways. When Ma and Pa aren’t looking, strap her to something heavy and throw her in the creek. Wait, scratch that. Her body would mess up the water supply. I know! When the wild dogs come and ravage my farm and we’re stuck in the barn, push her outside. That way, the wild dogs will no longer want to kill me and Mary will be out of the picture. Problem solved!
4. Make sure to stay in touch with Olga, the little girl Pa made a special shoe for, because she will end up on The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. You need to be able to call her crazy ass and get the dirt on the passive-aggressive psycho that is Camille Grammer.
5. A racoon for a pet is a really dumb idea.
6. Almanzo is a cool guy and all but you should have joined Facebook so you could hunt down that hot handyman that Ma hired. The one that tested Ma and Pa’s marriage and had Mary get her undies in a wad.
7. Brace yourself. Pa can’t really play the violin but it will take you an embarrassing amount of years to figure that out.
Actually, you will have only figured it out last year.