I’ve been sexually repressed for the longest time. I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 and it made me see sex as something dirty and physically uncomfortable. It left me bruised and bloodied and my trust in men is something I can still have a difficult time with.
It’s rare when I put my trust in a man and I find that for some twisted reason, I can sabotage a relationship because I don’t feel deserving of being treated right.
It took me 2 years before I had the courage to reach out and tell someone about the assault. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the greatest support system and there were questions of what I did to provoke it.
The rape had a huge impact on my sex life since. I could never just let myself enjoy sex. Sometimes the memories of the assault would flood my mind and I would lay there crying, my partner not even aware of what I was doing.
Things are starting to turn around for me and I’m starting to enjoy the exploration I’m having with my body. I’m becoming more aware of what feels good and what I’ve done to arrive at my pleasure point.
I’ve been finding different ways to enjoy myself, ways I never knew were possible. I’m feeling safe with my partner when it comes to being sexual. I never had that until recently.
One thing I didn’t really feel right about until recently is masturbation. Masturbation? GASP! That was something I never really felt comfortable doing or talking about until now. Sure, people give themselves pleasure but ME?! I couldn’t admit to that.
I found that masturbation isn’t something that’s dirty or something to be ashamed of. Finding out what feels good on your body is perfectly healthy. It’s just taken me years to realize that and overcome my past.
So, ladies (and men), let those fingers do the walking and find out what your pleasure points are. Trust me, your palms won’t get hairy.