Even after 3 years, sometimes I still don’t feel like a mom. I’ll feel like I’m just pretending to be one. When my little girl calls me mommy, it can make me pause at times and I’ll think “what? me?!”
I used to think once I had a baby, BAM!… my mommyness, whatever that is, would come out instantly.
Ummm, nope, that’s not the way it worked with me.
The first year was especially hard for me. I was dealing with Postpartum PTSD (postpartum post traumatic stress disorder) and felt somewhat disconnected from my child. I would think to myself “what did I get into?”
My husband seemed to be a natural father but I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I was a failure at being a mom to my daughter.
While seeing my husband be so at ease with the little hummingbird, I felt so inadequate.
Even after a few years, I still don’t feel like I’m up to par with other moms. I read blogs and see how other moms appear to be the ideal mom. Homemade and nutritious meals, no television, crafts and activities galore, etc.
I used to try so hard to be that kind of my and it drained me. That’s not who I am. It makes it harder that my sister-in-law is that type of mom which make my mother-in-law even more critical of me.
Then I feel even more inadequate and I’ll push myself more to be someone I’m not which is downright exhausting.
I can’t put this pressure on myself anymore. So what if my daughter doesn’t have a homemade Halloween costume since I can’t sew.
So what if I’m too tired to read more than one book at night before bedtime.
I’m not supermom. I’m anything but supermom and that’s okay.
Let’s get it in our heads that what we are is good enough for our children.
No-one is that Mom. I don’t care what they look like on the outside, they are not ‘that Mom’ because that Mom is perfect and non-existent … this is my mantra. Though, it’s also true.
The mom thing feels the most foreign to me when my daughter has friends over. There is something very adultish about being the mom when your child’s friends are there. Maybe it somehow relates to how I saw my friends’ moms when I was around their age. I’m not sure and I don’t know how to explain it but that is definitely when I feel the most like I’m still just play-acting at this whole thing.
Jen @ Bible Belt to Boulder recently posted..Lessons from Our Children