Kenny and I thought we were looking at bit, well…<em>married</em>, so we decided to go on a diet together. Loosely translated, this means he cuts back on chip dip and knocks off a quick 10 pounds, while I’m down the hall charting the pros and cons of various weight-loss options and why they NEVER WORK. Admittedly, I have a diet attention span of approximately 4 hours, and I’ve been on virtually every recognized diet on the planet (a few that came with a warning label, “Do Not Do For More Than 3 Days or You Will Die,” but hey, I was young), so a bit of comparative research seemed in order.
Weight Watchers? All that planning, counting, and cooking (from <em>recipes</em>)…too much work. Nutrisystem? Foil-wrapped space shuttle food. Tried it once. Gave the nonrefundables to my dog, who wouldn’t eat it either. Smart dog. MediFast? Hungry ALL THE TIME. Low Carb? By Day 3, I would have cheerfully tossed my Chihuahua under a bus for a bagel. Not my best moment.
Finally settled on Jenny Craig. No cooking, counting, meetings, or public weigh-ins. Simply pick out my favorite Jenny foods with my online, personal Weight Loss Coach (eliminating every option that included vegetables or any spices I didn’t recognize), and after explaining my “unusually high metabolism,” she let me order extra snacks (okay, I’m going to hell for that one, but I needed more <em>food</em>), then POOF, a month-long supply comes right to our door, all pre-packaged and ready to eat. Perfect!
The UPS truck pulled up, and as Kenny watched out the window, box after box was unloaded and set on the porch. As I began unpacking, it became obvious that Jenny was going to take up every square inch of our kitchen fridge and freezer. Kenny was trying to be supportive, but he finally turned to me and stated flatly, “If I find ONE of these frozen boxes in my beer fridge, Jenny dies.”
Deal. But for right now, I’m digging in until I find those brownies. There’s 12 of those little suckers in here, and I’m starting with dessert.