Humor

Easy as A,B,C, 1,2, Poop

8 February, 2013
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Real-Shit-248x300 (1)

So…this was my night. How was yours? Destroy: Look. There are two lights on. One light is dead. 1…2…3… lights! (My son is obviously brilliant.) Destroy: 1…2…3…7…9… (Look at him shunning traditional conventions.) Me: Search, can you count? Search: <after a contemplative pause> No. Me: Ok, let’s go take a bath. Search: I need my pants off. Me: Do you need to go potty? Search: No. Me: Can you sit on the potty? Search: No. <Splish Splash> Me: Let’s sing our ABCs! <Sings to children – poorly, but I did get all the letters right. So, I’ve got that going…

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This Is Why You Shouldn’t Try To Pick Your Brain

2 February, 2013
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This Is Why You Shouldn’t Try To Pick Your Brain

There are several special moments in a parent’s life when you think “What the fuck, kid??” Monday morning was one of those special moments. We’ve all been sick and I had spent most of the night not sleeping while the hummingbird slept soundly in my bed, kicking the crap out of me. I finally fell asleep only to later be woken up to her standing on my head while she grabbed my phone and started watching Curious George.  She soon hopped out of bed and walked downstairs to where my husband had been sleeping on the couch since there wasn’t…

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Maybe I’ll Just Get a Bird

25 December, 2012
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Maybe I’ll Just Get a Bird

Several years ago, shortly after we moved into our house, I decided to buy Kenny a dog. Since we’re both fairly OCD about our house, a short-hair, small breed seemed more practical, so I found a light tan Chihuahua puppy and promptly plunked down $400 to take her home. A few months later, she was up to 14 pounds. We took her to the vet, where Kenny held her up like baby Simba on The Lion King, and asked Dr. Dave, “Is this a Chihuahua?” Doc cracked up. “Nope. That’s what you call a ‘Rat-Cha.’ She’s PART Chihuahua, but MOSTLY…

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Pee Test…You’re Doing it Wrong

9 December, 2012
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Pee Test…You’re Doing it Wrong

Living in Maui for several years was truly an adventure. There are many cultural idiosyncrasies, and one of them is the thoroughness with which they check you out before they hire you for virtually any job. Since many people move to the Islands specifically to escape (literally or figuratively) from the mainland and become more “one with the universe” (with the first order of business often being a name change from Brunhilde Rabinowitz, stock girl at WalMart in Dayton, Ohio, to “Summer Rain, numerologist and chakra reader, under the waterfalls of Kula”) it behooves employers to dig up a little…

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Ride ‘Em Cowboy

7 December, 2012
By
Ride ‘Em Cowboy

Peeny and the elf are together at last. Update: I found a free download of Santa Stationary that says : “From the desk of Santa Claus”. It would be really cute to write a little note “from Santa” on Christmas morning.

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Which one was Thelma?

4 December, 2012
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Which one was Thelma?

I can never keep it straight. Which one was Thelma and which one was Louise? I guess in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter as both were equally guilty.

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Step 1: Preheat Oven to 350. Step 2: Hose Down the Cat

3 December, 2012
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Step 1: Preheat Oven to 350. Step 2: Hose Down the Cat

Found an uber-cute plantation-style house for rent in Maui a few years ago (admittedly less “Gone with the Wind,” and more 140-yr-old sharecropper’s cottage) on an old banana plantation, complete with original plumbing AND appliances. Quaint, but not without some inconveniences. Jake, then 6, came home and announced he needed to take cookies to school the next day for yet another fundraiser. (Seriously? $9000 a year for private school and they need a BAKE SALE?) Trying not to panic, since I don’t cook and those “I sew MY child’s Halloween costume myself” mothers can be mean, I decided to at…

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T’is the Season to Join the Asian Club

27 November, 2012
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Thanksgiving, for me, is not my favorite time of year. Put aside the fact that I’m a lactose intolerant vegetarian on probably the most meat infused, butter-smothered, creamed time of the year, in my house Thanksgiving should be accompanied by flashing red lights and fallout sirens. Claxons: the sounds of the season. With all the chaos, panic, and this years added feature: filth, it’s an unnecessary clusterfluck of mass proportions. So every year I try to look at it in new way, try to make a positive spin of it. This year I’m going with: “It’s the start of the…

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